FEAR confession…My journey with Anxiety and Panic Attacks

It’s 3:30 am the house is quiet…my husband is sprawled out beside me… snoring. I am asleep but somehow aware. My teeth feel clenched and I notice that I’m feeling hot. I roll over and can feel wetness on my chest. I begin to awaken. I place my hand on my chest only to find a puddle of perspiration between my breasts. That’s all it takes I’m now wide awake and growing more and more aware of the hotness and sweatiness that is overtaking me. My mind begins to race with thoughts of “oh crap here we go again, it’s just panic relax, but what if it isn’t this time?!?” I am now quickly taking stock of how my body feels. Is my heart racing? Do I have any pain in my left arm? Am I short of breath? Dizzy? I rise out of bed to splash some cold water on my face. The walk to the bathroom gets my heart racing and the sweating increases even more.  Now I’m so tense that my body starts shaking. “Crap, crap crap!!” I swiftly walk back to the bed and sit down. I gently waken my husband and tell him “I’m having a panic attack” he lifts his arm and starts rubbing my back in an obligated response. His compassion is there but this is not a new thing for me…he has walked this road for many years with me. Every attack feels just as scary as the first to me, but for those around me it’s “just another panic attack” I get that! As I sit in the bed sweating and shaking I take a minute and repeat the words that I have just read in my latest “How to handle your panic attack” self-help book. “It’s not my job to stop the panic, it’s not my job to fix this right now, my job is to acknowledge the symptoms, accept them and float past them” (I have not really grasped this concept of “floating” although I constantly hear about this technique) Those words somehow manage to calm me slightly. I can feel my body relax. I repeat them several more times and the symptoms seem to subside. I am still trembling, that’s always the last one to stop. By this time my husband is snoring again and I take to my phone to read some scripture or to Facebook for some distraction. I now start to believe that it was indeed just a panic attack and I relax a little more.  It’s now 4:30 and I can begin to go back to sleep. I am exhausted , tense and hoping that I can get some sleep in before the 6:30am alarm goes off and I have to jump up and face the day being mom, business women and wife….ugh.

This was the 5^th panic attack this week to wake me from sleep. I have been dealing with panic and anxiety of some form for the last 21 years. The panic attacks started sometime after my youngest daughter was born 9 years ago. The nocturnal panic attacks (they are a real clinical thing) started about a year ago and seem to only come when I’m close to starting my menstrual cycle. I have always suspected mine are hormone related and this just adds more evidence to my suspicion.

My journey with anxiety started when I was in college. I remember the first time I suddenly had heart palpitations and a racing heart. I remember where I was.  I remember the feeling.  I can remember the nighttime darkness of the office I was in and the stark white blinds by my little desk.  I was scared and embarrassed and didn’t know what the heck was going on. I was not a person who stressed out! I was a strong, independent person who made things happen! I had left Pennsylvania a year after graduating high school to go to college in Nashville, TN all by myself. I had landed a job with the Gospel Music Associations (The organization responsible for hosting the Dove awards, Christian music’s premier award show). I was working with the Public Relations Director my dream job!. I had a plan and was making it happen. Then anxiety decided to set up shop. That is where my story starts…

I could write my entire story out in one blog but it would be huge and exhausting and I think each part is important and deserves its own post!

I have learned that when I speak about my anxiety and panic that it immediately loses its power over me. The simple act of confessing frees my mind from the stress of hiding what is going on at that moment in my body. Hmmm…that’s interesting isn’t it. The simple act of confessing sets me free! John 8:32 “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” come to my mind. Not only does it free me but almost everytime the person I am “confessing” to has either dealt with anxiety or knows someone who has!

I have made great progress in my anxiety and panic but I still have a way to go. One thing I have learned however is that anxiety and panic is a FEAR that although the physical symptoms are very real it is my mind holding my body hostage. It is a natural response that is God given to help us survive real threats that is misfiring and tricking my mind.  I read somewhere that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. I love this! It is so true!

I feel like the next step in my healing is to share my story and not hide in the shadows of my anxiety anymore. If you my friend have stumbled upon this blog after a frantic google search to figure out what on earth is going on with your body. I am so thankful you are here! I want to encourage you and let you know that you are not alone! You are not crazy! You do not need to be held hostage by this FEAR anymore.  There are so many of us dealing silently with this and it’s time to take back our minds and bodies and tell FEAR to take a hike!

In my next post on this I am going to share some statistics with you guys that will blow your mind! Let me know in the comments if you’re dealing with this and I would love to start praying for you by name.

Now I’m going to shower and wash this night time funk off of me! ♥

Stay Sweet!